Ok. The mere fact that a do-nothing like myself can come up with some sad excuse for a "25 defining moments of 25 years" column either speaks to the volume of free time I must have or the simplicity of my mind. That said, it would make sense chronologically to start with birth, but I will not. I don't remember my birth. You don't remember yours either. Hell, you don't remember mine. You weren't there. It was 83 degrees and sunny in Buffalo, NY that day. That's all I know. If you want more facts, call my mom. Actually... don't. She won't appreciate that. Without further ado.... moment #1!!!
Ok. So I was, like, not even 9 at this time. There's no way I was anything other than a huge loser at this point. I mean, I was a dork. Video game obsession? Check. Lackluster athletic skills? Check. A+ average in elementary school? Check. Sweatpants to school? Are you kidding me? Check. With bells on bitchez.
So, after that little inventory... it's little wonder that I even list this moment at all. I mean, everyone was having fun other than me! Here's a quick synopsis:
The most memorable thing from that memorable night was the number of people that were at my house. I'm sure the actual number was closer to 40, but it felt like closer to 350. I mean, there were people just crawling all out of everywhere... 9 people in the bathroom, 27 in the basement, 191 in the backyard, 18 in the kitchen... and on and on. I felt like every time I swung my NES controller, I would whack 6-12 people. That's just how it was that night. I remember it for the legend it became in my eyes. That's all I got.
People got drunk that night. I am sure of it. Though I was sheltered and repressed for much of my childhood till I turned about 15, I am really certain everyone was drunk. How was I sure of this? People kept walking into the screendoor that separated the family room from the deck outside. Not just random people, either. My grandmother, my uncle, people I didn't know, people from both sides of the family. Yes, my friends, this was a monstrous party that most people don't realize that their parents were cool enough to throw. My mom and dad (still getting along swimmingly at this point, we think) were the hosts of the most epic bash this side of NYC. People were loud, obnoxious, fist-fighting, setting off fireworks that set off neighboring security systems, and just plain running amock through the sleepy town of Wheatfield, NY. Yes.... those fuckers had it coming.
Me, I was just playing Nintendo at this point. Trying desperately to beat Super Mario 3 for the first time. (I did manage to conquer this game... just so you know.) And I remember being at Level 7 and listening to my grandmother bowl over the screen door for the 4th and final time.
Ahhh to be 9 and naive. I have always wanted to have a party like this. Later on in this series of columns... you will see that I nearly achieved this level of lore... further down the road.
Welcome to my life, chicken fuckers.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
25 Defining Moments... the Introduction.
It's a frustrating and ultimately futile endeavor to try and encapsulate 25 years of living into 25 posts. However, in the spirit of other silver anniversary efforts... I, too, must try to tell the story of the 25 greatest moments in 25 years of living the incredibly vivacious lifestyle. So coming at cha, the 25 defining moments of 25 years of J-to-the-izz-O, H-to-the-izz-N.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
The List (9/22)
Top Story:
She Just Wasn't What I Was After. Between the braces, the kissing technique, the breath that tasted like spoiled milk, and the piss poor foreplay, I should have been able to read between the lines and conclude that this girl wasn't worth digging into. I didn't. But I am smarter for next time.
Today's List:
1. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Syracuse Orangemen.
2. It's Official. The JG25 Silver Anniversary Drunken Jamboroo is ON.
3. Book Recommendation of the Day: Will Leitch - Life As A Loser. Just finished it. Charming mix of self-deprecation and masturbation jokes.
4. Sex is Great. Music is better. Coming soon, the maturation of the greatest band formed within the last month... in Buffalo... with no bass player...
She Just Wasn't What I Was After. Between the braces, the kissing technique, the breath that tasted like spoiled milk, and the piss poor foreplay, I should have been able to read between the lines and conclude that this girl wasn't worth digging into. I didn't. But I am smarter for next time.
Today's List:
1. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Syracuse Orangemen.
2. It's Official. The JG25 Silver Anniversary Drunken Jamboroo is ON.
3. Book Recommendation of the Day: Will Leitch - Life As A Loser. Just finished it. Charming mix of self-deprecation and masturbation jokes.
4. Sex is Great. Music is better. Coming soon, the maturation of the greatest band formed within the last month... in Buffalo... with no bass player...
Monday, September 17, 2007
The List (9.17.07)
Top Story:
You're Too Intense For Me. And so, there I was, on the cusp of sealing the deal... when out of nowhere "We Need To Talk" was uttered for the first time in probably four years. What a buzzkill. You know how this turned out. You know, I gave some thought to coming up with another No Escape-type story for this weekend's trip; really bounced it around. Not worth it. My muse to come up with something that incoherent and poetic would have required way too many drugs and drinks. I prefer only my eggs scrambled, not my mind. Plus I would really have to kid myself that something epic took place, when to be honest, Epic and Akron go together like oil and water. Anyways, Great trip. First experience playing the Wii. I've officially joined the 21st century. Finally. And I have spare condoms. To use, ummm... (crickets chirping in my bedroom)
Today's List:
1. The Collapse of Something Special - Somehow, some girl that I met five some years ago became pretty attached to me. Well, I think her boyfriend got the idea, and last night things got out of hand. You know you've jumped the shark when this qualifies as "relationship drama." I wasn't even on the phone for any of that. Nope. Some 18 year old potty-mouth was on the hook for me.
2. And You Will Know Me By the Trail of Dollar Bills - I officially spent more money than I had this weekend. Big shock.
3. Go Bills!!! - The Buffalo Bills blew up right before my very eyes yesterday. I should have watched #4...
4. Go Browns!!! - I was in CLEVELAND for this game... and didn't take on the tickets. Why?! This was the football game of the century! 51-45(?!) Unbelievable.
5. I guess the Wolverines Didn't Eat Her - I come home from Cleveland sunday afternoon to find the cat MISSING. Not sure how the cat escaped, but it was nowhere to be found. At about 7 AM this morning, I get a nuzzle on my face. It's the cat!!! I walk out into the kitchen, and sure enough (I left this open on purpose) the cat burrowed through the hole between the air conditioner and the wall. Pretty amazing story. Welcome back, Oreo!
Also Receiving Votes:
Nice to see I am back to drinking like a fool, I think I set a record for # of Newcastles drank in a given weekend, Beginning vice elimination today I swear... Big week at work this week, time to put some distance between me and the status quo
You're Too Intense For Me. And so, there I was, on the cusp of sealing the deal... when out of nowhere "We Need To Talk" was uttered for the first time in probably four years. What a buzzkill. You know how this turned out. You know, I gave some thought to coming up with another No Escape-type story for this weekend's trip; really bounced it around. Not worth it. My muse to come up with something that incoherent and poetic would have required way too many drugs and drinks. I prefer only my eggs scrambled, not my mind. Plus I would really have to kid myself that something epic took place, when to be honest, Epic and Akron go together like oil and water. Anyways, Great trip. First experience playing the Wii. I've officially joined the 21st century. Finally. And I have spare condoms. To use, ummm... (crickets chirping in my bedroom)
Today's List:
1. The Collapse of Something Special - Somehow, some girl that I met five some years ago became pretty attached to me. Well, I think her boyfriend got the idea, and last night things got out of hand. You know you've jumped the shark when this qualifies as "relationship drama." I wasn't even on the phone for any of that. Nope. Some 18 year old potty-mouth was on the hook for me.
2. And You Will Know Me By the Trail of Dollar Bills - I officially spent more money than I had this weekend. Big shock.
3. Go Bills!!! - The Buffalo Bills blew up right before my very eyes yesterday. I should have watched #4...
4. Go Browns!!! - I was in CLEVELAND for this game... and didn't take on the tickets. Why?! This was the football game of the century! 51-45(?!) Unbelievable.
5. I guess the Wolverines Didn't Eat Her - I come home from Cleveland sunday afternoon to find the cat MISSING. Not sure how the cat escaped, but it was nowhere to be found. At about 7 AM this morning, I get a nuzzle on my face. It's the cat!!! I walk out into the kitchen, and sure enough (I left this open on purpose) the cat burrowed through the hole between the air conditioner and the wall. Pretty amazing story. Welcome back, Oreo!
Also Receiving Votes:
Nice to see I am back to drinking like a fool, I think I set a record for # of Newcastles drank in a given weekend, Beginning vice elimination today I swear... Big week at work this week, time to put some distance between me and the status quo
Friday, September 14, 2007
The List (9.14.07)
Top Story:
O Hi! O. I'm fixing to jet off to Cleveland for the weekend. It's going to be the wildest, hottest road trip since 2002. The last time something this fun was going down was when I sat through a monsoon to view The Who in Philadelphia, PA some 5+ years ago. Yes, I said The Who. And I'm 24. Yes, I am aware that kids my age only listen to hip-hop and some garbled form of Electronic music or neo-new-wave. Whatever.
Today's List:
1. Bill Bellicheck is a disgusting cheat, this time with acoustic guitar.
2. If you have the time, money, and a higher tolerance for psychodelic shrooms than I do, this is where you should go next weekend.
3. The Buffalo Sabres are back on October 5, so guess who's going to that home opener?
4. Since this is arguably the first real post of my blog career... I will encourage you to help me fill the list! If you have any funny quotes, ridiculous personal stories, web junk, youtube madness, or viewpoints on the world that you would like me to post here, I encourage you to e-mail all suggestions right here.
5. Check out my myspace page. No Emo bathroom mirror pictures, no big tittied friend lists. What's that you say? It's set to private. My goodness... you'll have to add me as a friend.
6. Enjoy the Sports Blog.
Also Receiving Votes:
Welcome to my world kids. It's only a matter of time before you lose your minds by osmosis.
The best quote will be featured in "Quote of the Day," and the most ridiculous item (story, video, or whathaveyou) will be featured in "Jackass of the Day." Anyone who remembers the AIM profile from long ago will remember these pieces and will be no doubt relieved at their return.
More posts will come, I am sure... some will be short stories, essays, columns, but this is my bread and butter. The list. The rundown. The short, quick-hitting madness that is real life. Since you can't script it, anyways.
O Hi! O. I'm fixing to jet off to Cleveland for the weekend. It's going to be the wildest, hottest road trip since 2002. The last time something this fun was going down was when I sat through a monsoon to view The Who in Philadelphia, PA some 5+ years ago. Yes, I said The Who. And I'm 24. Yes, I am aware that kids my age only listen to hip-hop and some garbled form of Electronic music or neo-new-wave. Whatever.
Today's List:
1. Bill Bellicheck is a disgusting cheat, this time with acoustic guitar.
2. If you have the time, money, and a higher tolerance for psychodelic shrooms than I do, this is where you should go next weekend.
3. The Buffalo Sabres are back on October 5, so guess who's going to that home opener?
4. Since this is arguably the first real post of my blog career... I will encourage you to help me fill the list! If you have any funny quotes, ridiculous personal stories, web junk, youtube madness, or viewpoints on the world that you would like me to post here, I encourage you to e-mail all suggestions right here.
5. Check out my myspace page. No Emo bathroom mirror pictures, no big tittied friend lists. What's that you say? It's set to private. My goodness... you'll have to add me as a friend.
6. Enjoy the Sports Blog.
Also Receiving Votes:
Welcome to my world kids. It's only a matter of time before you lose your minds by osmosis.
The best quote will be featured in "Quote of the Day," and the most ridiculous item (story, video, or whathaveyou) will be featured in "Jackass of the Day." Anyone who remembers the AIM profile from long ago will remember these pieces and will be no doubt relieved at their return.
More posts will come, I am sure... some will be short stories, essays, columns, but this is my bread and butter. The list. The rundown. The short, quick-hitting madness that is real life. Since you can't script it, anyways.
And so it begins...
Someone once told me if I was ever going to do anything, I should probably write it down... since if I want to remember the great things that happen in my life, reading about them later on would help. I encourage all of you to take the plunge and read up on the sick/nastiest life story to come along since, well... probably the last guy who wrote a blog. Who's paying attention?
I tend to wax poetic about a bazillion topics ranging from Sports to Music to Art to Life to Philosophy to Politics to you get the fucking idea. I have ADHD of the pen and I choose to embrace my penchant for changing my mind.
The blog is called the Muted Echo because that is the sound the past makes. All of your memories become quieter as they bounce off the walls of your skull as you get older. This is a chance to keep that memory alive. I'm not here to talk about the past... I am just here to preserve it. So that when I am old and lonely and eating Tostitos out of the bag and watching TV in a filth-infested catacomb of a tentament house, I will be able to look back on this and remember that I was somebody, too.
I like to run down most of what I talk about in random list form, never spending particularly long on a topic. Paragraphs and complete thoughts are overrated. I like quick-hitting substance. I pay no attention syntax or grammar. No good writers do that. All great writers break convention, even if that means placing commas and shit where they don't, belong. So there's that.
You'll see how I formulate this self-indulgent mess in my next post. This is your introduction. Don't say I didn't warn you. Good luck, readers.
I tend to wax poetic about a bazillion topics ranging from Sports to Music to Art to Life to Philosophy to Politics to you get the fucking idea. I have ADHD of the pen and I choose to embrace my penchant for changing my mind.
The blog is called the Muted Echo because that is the sound the past makes. All of your memories become quieter as they bounce off the walls of your skull as you get older. This is a chance to keep that memory alive. I'm not here to talk about the past... I am just here to preserve it. So that when I am old and lonely and eating Tostitos out of the bag and watching TV in a filth-infested catacomb of a tentament house, I will be able to look back on this and remember that I was somebody, too.
I like to run down most of what I talk about in random list form, never spending particularly long on a topic. Paragraphs and complete thoughts are overrated. I like quick-hitting substance. I pay no attention syntax or grammar. No good writers do that. All great writers break convention, even if that means placing commas and shit where they don't, belong. So there's that.
You'll see how I formulate this self-indulgent mess in my next post. This is your introduction. Don't say I didn't warn you. Good luck, readers.
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