Defining Moment #1: Watch Out for that Screen!

Ok. The mere fact that a do-nothing like myself can come up with some sad excuse for a "25 defining moments of 25 years" column either speaks to the volume of free time I must have or the simplicity of my mind. That said, it would make sense chronologically to start with birth, but I will not. I don't remember my birth. You don't remember yours either. Hell, you don't remember mine. You weren't there. It was 83 degrees and sunny in Buffalo, NY that day. That's all I know. If you want more facts, call my mom. Actually... don't. She won't appreciate that. Without further ado.... moment #1!!!

Ok. So I was, like, not even 9 at this time. There's no way I was anything other than a huge loser at this point. I mean, I was a dork. Video game obsession? Check. Lackluster athletic skills? Check. A+ average in elementary school? Check. Sweatpants to school? Are you kidding me? Check. With bells on bitchez.

So, after that little inventory... it's little wonder that I even list this moment at all. I mean, everyone was having fun other than me! Here's a quick synopsis:

The most memorable thing from that memorable night was the number of people that were at my house. I'm sure the actual number was closer to 40, but it felt like closer to 350. I mean, there were people just crawling all out of everywhere... 9 people in the bathroom, 27 in the basement, 191 in the backyard, 18 in the kitchen... and on and on. I felt like every time I swung my NES controller, I would whack 6-12 people. That's just how it was that night. I remember it for the legend it became in my eyes. That's all I got.

People got drunk that night. I am sure of it. Though I was sheltered and repressed for much of my childhood till I turned about 15, I am really certain everyone was drunk. How was I sure of this? People kept walking into the screendoor that separated the family room from the deck outside. Not just random people, either. My grandmother, my uncle, people I didn't know, people from both sides of the family. Yes, my friends, this was a monstrous party that most people don't realize that their parents were cool enough to throw. My mom and dad (still getting along swimmingly at this point, we think) were the hosts of the most epic bash this side of NYC. People were loud, obnoxious, fist-fighting, setting off fireworks that set off neighboring security systems, and just plain running amock through the sleepy town of Wheatfield, NY. Yes.... those fuckers had it coming.

Me, I was just playing Nintendo at this point. Trying desperately to beat Super Mario 3 for the first time. (I did manage to conquer this game... just so you know.) And I remember being at Level 7 and listening to my grandmother bowl over the screen door for the 4th and final time.

Ahhh to be 9 and naive. I have always wanted to have a party like this. Later on in this series of columns... you will see that I nearly achieved this level of lore... further down the road.

Welcome to my life, chicken fuckers.